Are you a boring man too?

So what does one really do?

What does one really do, when one’s social skills are so humble that the most common response one gets when trying to get someone into conversation is, “Excuse me, but do I really know you?” The response can be far more expressive when a testosterone driven but unexciting guy approaches a girl, “You bloody loser, you’re such a boring person that even your mother ignored your cries of hunger in your childhood. Leave me alone!” Sometimes it may be not put literally, but it is implicit in the exclamatory expression on the faces of people, “Dude! You are more boring than even the blankest expressionless newsreader from the pre-lib, pre-satellite era. I’ll find talking to a silent bamboo tree more engaging than with you. So why don’t you get the hell out of here, close yourself in a dark room & spare the already ravaged world, your naïve, humourless, desperate-to-please, dreary personality.

One gets a frog.

Frogs are interesting animals or amphibians or whatever incomprehensible Latin name zoologists can think of, slimy, but interesting. But the people underestimate their potential as companions & are stuck with clichéd pets such as the irritating & ever ravenous cats, over-enthusiastic dogs, & sometimes cacophonous birds. Frogs have this considerate expression which is the natural one on their face, so while sharing your sorrows with a frog you’ll always feel the satisfaction of being heard even if the frog considers the humming of a double antennaed insect far more invitingly engaging. But it helps. People may say lizards have an even more considerate expression but come on guys, even if no Homo sapiens is interested in you, still having an amphibian companion seems far more humane than having a reptile as your agony aunt. Discriminating but that is it. (I hope PETA doesn’t go for my neck for this discriminatory & slanderous prejudice against the reptiles, too many of them are in government anyway)

But what if even the frog ditches you?

Einstein believed in two limitless things-Universe & human stupidity but I’ll dare to include one more-human ability to bore others (You may already be getting the idea reading my article i.e. if you’ve dared to read so far). It is so limitless that an uninteresting man can bore a frog too, even if it’s the most tolerant animal around. People will argue frog’s tolerance is because of brainlessness but then why is not so for Barkha Dutt (The ready-to-interfere-others newswoman). Whatever! But what if the frog finally gets bored of you & leaves you alone pining in the room to stare blankly into the vacuum which it finds more interesting.

Now what to do?

Here I am to help you because I am same in the field of boring people as Sachin in cricket, Big B in Bollywood, Bill gates in software world & Megan Fox in method acting. Ok. Ok. May be the last one is not true but I hope you get an idea. So here are some of the options for you:

Arrogant snobbish ass: Transform yourself into a snob. There is a thing about snobs. While nobody likes them but everybody wants to be one. It can be attributed to a mysterious aura surrounding a snob. People don’t know the reason of the arrogance but they believe there must be something superior about him which is not there in me. So it may not increase your social score but you will get a silent reverence reserved in the society for snobs. After all, love me or hate me but don’t ignore me.

Pseudointellectual pig: Build an image of a pseudo-intellectual for yourself. Start remembering quotes of Twain, Bernard Samuel l. Jackson etc. from the relevant websites & throw them at people even if there is no relevance, ninety percent people don’t understand them anyway. Get hold of some books titled: Learn human psychology in 7 days, Britannica Encyclopaedia, The literary review, the playboy. OK. OK. Don’t read the last one, send it over to me. Remember some incomprehensible terms & theories from them & use them liberally. You may not make any sense & the people too may not understand a thing but they will still listen to you because everybody wants to be known as an intellectual.

Rebel without a reason: Buy packets of expensive cigarettes, smoke them standing away from group of people & give them uninterested stares. It is just an example of putting yourself across as a rebel you may think of your own ways. I don’t need this society. I am far better alone. Wear this attitude up on your sleeve. I’ve never understood rebels, why do they have to give attitude to the world if they are not interested in it anyway. Whatever! There are numerous people in the world looking for a getaway, guys battered by wives, losers humiliated by bosses, students tormented by teachers, who will be ready to be a rebel without any cause with you.

Writer: In the end, you may become a so-called writer like me. I’ve always believed- WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD STOPS LISTENING TO YOU, YOU BECOME A WRITER. Write crappy articles like this one send it to every possible publication you can think of, or put it on internet & pester people into reading it & hope you may get something out of it. After all in a nation where the biggest selling author is Chetan Bhagat, who knows, you may be the next Rushdie.

So that is it folks. These were the ways to hide your boring personality under a range of twisted personas. But be very careful with them. You got to carry them with panache. They should be convincing enough. Basically the point is, become a hypocrite, they are the only interesting men left.
God bless you!

SEVEN DEADLY SINS: WHY SHOULD GIRLS BE MADE AGENTS OF SATAN

I believe, this universe was not supposed to make any sense. I mean, if something whose start was nothing but a big unexplained blast, should we expect any sense in it. But still we are always told that this world is a balanced act. For every positively charged proton, there are equal number of negative electrons, if not, it leads to instability. Some quantum physicists at CERN, Switzerland have even proved that there is something called antimatter produced during the big bang which is supposed to balance out matter. So even if the physics continues to claim the existence of The Balanced Stability, it perplexes me. OK. OK. Every pure science be it physics, chemistry or mathematics, perplexes my sparrow-sized brain but it is a different concept here. Let us see it theologically, for God there is Satan to balance him out. But where he has been really? We have so much from the God: the Holy Scriptures, temples, mosques, churches, religious chants, but what about the Satan? Has he really got a chance to balance God? I don’t think so. He has been completely rejected without even a chance to prove himself. Isn’t there relationship as complementary as that of Batman & the Joker in The Dark Knight where Joker told Batman famously, “You complete me?” I think God has a got a Better Public Relations officer than the Satan who ensures that God gets ample publicity. And then there are God’s icons in this world-the holy men, Priests, Gurus Etc. So I thought who can be appointed as Satan’s icon on this earth & I think only one community qualifies for that- The college students. And in the college students, girls are far better sinners. Boys are no match for girls in this department. They should be made Satan’s icons. You know why? All of you must’ve heard of the seven deadly sins as told in Christianity. A person who commits these sins is regarded as evil. So who else than the girl college students qualify for that. Have a look:

1. Luxuria (Extravagance): Aren’t the college students extravagance personified? They will have all the branded clothing [Even if it doesn’t fit], latest 3G cell phones [While the parents live with Nokia 1100], expensive Coffees at Café Coffee day & Barista [Even if they don’t know the ingredients], & useless trips on automobiles. Girls score far more heavily than boys in this category with their useless cosmetics which they buy fooled by extensive marketing campaigns, beauty parlor visits [Which should be named as plastic parlors] & all the useless clothing.
2. Gula (gluttony): Do I even need to say anything? Gluttony & girls are synonyms. You know when boys go to the market; they have a diversified agenda from checking out girls to latest cars but what about girls. They have only two aims- Shopping & Eating. So that qualifies them for both the first sin & this one too.
3. Avaritia (avarice/greed): Here comes the tricky ones! Believe me I am not as big misogynist as u may think. Greed cannot be specified to any particular sex. It is too universal for that. In fact greed is a very individualistic attribute & varies person to person. So I’ll not say any sex has edge on the other in this category. We have a tie here.
4. Scoria (sloth): Now some people may argue that boys are bigger sloth than the girls. But I’ll say that if you’ve any doubt just visit the hostels of a professional college on a weekend. While the boys will be found busy in all kind of ventures [Even if the ventures are liquor parties]; the girls will be found just lazing around & gossiping. Not that I’ve had any chance to go inside a girls hostel, I am not that lucky, but you can see for yourself.
5. Ira (wrath): Anger. It another character which is doubtful. Both the sexes are equally affected by it. But while the boy’s anger is manifested only under intoxication, girl’s anger is more easily displayed. Ask any poor road Romeo who was abused severely by his Juliet in his pursuance of love. I am myself ready to back it at any court of law due to my personal experiences. But still no preference will be given to any sex according to me.
6. Invidia (envy): What will you say now? People will argue the example of Othello to discredit girl’s claim in envy but for every poor Othello, there are millions of girls, just excellent in file of envy. Her Boyfriend has better physique than mine. Her fairness cream must be more effective than mine. Her figure is not natural; it is fake. Girls ask yourself.
7. Superbia (pride): Ha Ha Ha! Now what? Pride is easily one character where there is no doubt at all. Because why should boys have any pride. Beauty, self-restrain, poise, grace, these all are characteristics of girls, and boys don’t have them. So only girls should have the pride.

So Five out of seven. Girls beat the boys in five out of the seven sins. It doesn’t leave any doubt as who should be made the Satan’s agent. Now I don’t want hate mail from girls in my inbox. I am already at the top position in hate list of many girls. Any doubts? Ask my classmates from school to college. My point is just very simple. Satan must be given a chance & what better way than to make girls his agent. Aren’t the women better human resource personnels in corporate than men. They will make excellent PR officers for him. I always end my articles with God bless you! But today I’ll say may the Satan Bless you!

Post Script:
1. To God: All the ideas in the above article are purely fiction & any attempts at blasphemy would be completely coincidental. Please forgive me.
2. To Girls: I’ll always be a staunch feminist & this article is only another proof.
3. To other readers: Don’t let my girlfriend read this article because after all she is a girl.

SEVEN TYPE OF STUDENTS IN A VETERINARY COLLEGE

Mark Twain once said, “All generalizations are false, including this one.” Of course, he was true but even that didn’t stop him from making this generalization. In fact, no one can escape from the lure of making generalizations & creating stereotypes. It renders a sense of wisdom to you. It means that the world around you is too ordinary & you are so tactful that you can generalize it into single statements. So everybody around us keeps on making generalizations of his own. A High school teacher says, “Every student in my class is a duffer.” Every Ordinary customers standing in the queue for electricity bills declares, “Every government employee is a slacker.” And the most favorite generalization of we all, “All the politicians are blood-sucking corrupts.” So let me put forward one generalization of my own, “Every Indian loves to make generalization.” So you must have got my point. Keeping on this tradition, I decided to generalize all the students in a veterinary college into seven types. These characters may be found in any other college too but I had the luck [Good or bad, depends upon your perception] to study at a veterinary college only so far. So here they are:

The Mother-Teresa student: He/she thinks of himself/herself as the Mother Teresa of animals. He/she is so much pained by the agony of diseased animals that he/she forgets everything else. Actually they belonged to a poetry class somewhere but ended up at the veterinary college. Usually girls suffer from this syndrome but these days even the new-age, soft-hearted boys have got a 33 percent reservation too. An attending vet [Professors in case of colleges] should always be beware of such characters because as I told you their pained mind forgets everything, they may even forget to administer a maintenance dose of a sedative.

The Know-it-all student: These kind of people are found everywhere in our society so why not a veterinary college. These are the people who claim that they are mortal incarnation of Wikipedia, all in flesh & bones. These people try to become a leader everywhere they are present. Anyone who has attended an Indian wedding will identify them. They are the self-designated wedding planners who are more excited than the bride’s father. So what do they do at a veterinary college? Whenever a case is being treated they will instruct the other students- “
You are not restraining the animal properly.
I think the dose of antibiotic you administered was wrong.
I think this is a case of swine-flu.
But one thing is sure, they will never be found doing anything themselves

The I-am-also-present student: these students are so caught in the obscurity of mediocrity that no one acknowledges their presence. They get through all the classes but not a single teacher knows their name. They are in fact experts at mediocrity whether in studies, sports or public life. Mostly boys belong to this type as no girl is ever ignored in our testosterone-driven society. So they try all strange endeavors for seeking attention which makes them the most important class. They will never get attention but everything happens only because of them.

The style icon: The type which is growing faster than others because of the ever-escalating consumerism.
How to identify them: Dressed in branded clothes, smelling best in the class [Because they never touch an animal] with an attitude which belongs to the video of a Bally Sagoo remix album.
Where to find them: Standing at the corners of clinics, hiding from the teachers, cracking lousy animal jokes, & checking out senior girls.
What to talk with them: Anything, latest movies, television reality shows, and new brands of mobile phones, anything except doses of medicines

The frustrated soul: these students suffer from the most potent disease of India-Frustration. They were the eternal bookworms who did nothing except study in their school days with only one aim: getting through PMT. But they failed & never got over it. A Veterinary College was always a second choice for them & they let everybody else to know this. They usually become friends of The Style Icon-type of students & blame everything in the veterinary profession. They are the reasons for the high sale of liquor & wine shops near the college.

The poor veterinarian: Believe me or not, still there are students in colleges who take veterinarian’s oath too seriously. They perform their every duty honestly & diligently. I don’t know much about them because I never dared to go near them. [They also never allowed me near them but it is a different story]. They are the poor souls who go back to the hostels late night after attending to a dying cow only to find their other classmates passed out after a late night party.

The Mr. India students: these are the students who are never found in the college. They are the invisible souls that is why the reference to Anil Kapoor movie. They are found at nearby Girls College, cinema halls, and snooker cafes at the college time. These students grow up to become the Mr. India Veterinary officers in the state animal husbandry department who are never visible at their hospital. But are busy in building their house, preparing their child for the exams, attending a neighbor’s wedding. I’ll get more information about them if I am able to see any of them ASAP.


So these were the various types of students that can be found in a veterinary college. I am a big fan of Mark Twain, so may be this generalization is also false. May be there are other types of students too. Do let me know any types that are missing here.
God bless you!

THE BOYS TOP MOST PROBLEMS

Hey folks! I believe you must have heard about the 8-year old Alec Greven from US of A. Believe me just at the age of eight his self-help book “How to talk to girls” has become a rage over there, so much so that it is even supposed to be made into a major motion picture at the Hollywood. But that’s fair in USA as the IQ of general public is not much different from the eight years olds. So, on a lazily Sunday morning it inspired even me “Well! If of all the people in world an 8 year old can write a book on how to talk to gals, man, I don’t want to lag behind.
Girls, Girls & Girls- What else can be the most important problem of guys. From the days of Adam & Eve, guys are trying to figure out gals but still to no avail. I am surely the least qualified person to advise anybody on gals. It is same as if asking Brad Pitt what he thinks about the bhojpuri films. But chalo, if Mandira bedi can feature on a cricket show, then, I am the Albert Einstein of gals.
NOTE: I suggest that you must go ahead only if you believe I must have an IQ more than Alec Greven & more importantly if you really don’t have nothing else to do right now.

So fasten your seat belts & hold on:

PROBLEM# 1: How to approach a girl: Internet: Nah! Too public, Letter: Nah! Too tacky, Personally: only if you are a non-self respecting guy & ready for any kind of insult by the girl ranging from yells to even slaps. We left with one choice then MOBILE. Just give a call & say to gal “suno dil ki baat; airtel ke saath” Phones have too many advantages also i.e. the gal can not come out & slap you out of a phone for how much clumsy you can get. No body else can listen to the latest gaaliyan being hurled on you. So that’s the way to go.

PROBLEM#2: You are really very free to still reading on.
What should be the approach towards gals? There are many mis-conceptions about that. You can have a look.
Girls like straight-forward guys: What a blunder? What does that mean just go to a girl & say “hey I am a straight-forward guy & aja meri gaadi mein baith ja.” What if gal also likes to be straight-forward & she comes forward & slaps you on your straight face. So boys, just hang around the gal for 1-2 months & then come to the point. Never be straight forward.
Girls like honest men: For that to be true, none of our politicians, police personnel & PWD officers would ever get married. How can you be honest & tell a gal “Well I am a totally loser guy & have achieved nothing in my life. I know that is true for you also so why not both of us losers just join each other & hope we can churn out a winner.” Never ever be honest & just rumble useless things about the intelligence & beauty of the girl. You can check out the Yash Chopra movies for visual experience on that.
Girls don’t like gifts: Don’t believe that scene of some tacky Hindi movie heroine saying to the hero “Yeh gift main apse kaise le sakti hun” Remember that heroine has got lot of money to say that on screen. Instead you can use a lot of gifts such as flowers, chocolates {Prefer them, they are cheap} latest clothing, jewellery {only if your father has lot of spare money & you don’t know where to put it}. I am pretty confident if you use them well you can reap not only the cost but lot of rewards out of them
Girls don’t like desperate men: No that’s not true. Just show the gal you are such a desperado. I am saying just show, that doesn’t mean you got to become one. Your desperation can nourish the egoistic mind set of a gal that she is the local Jennifer Aniston {girl in demand}. You just have to convince her that she is that “Chaudvin ka chand” & man you are right on track.

PROBLEM#3: When to propose a girl: Now that is surely a huge problem. It is very much easy to understand the theory of relativity than understanding a girl’s mind. Remember Einstein got the most intelligent brain but still he could only become a scientist & not a playboy or stud. So here you could only trust your instinct & let me tell you out of 100 only 2 or 3 manly instincts are right about gals. That is also the success rate of human proposals. In animals the scenario is really different, even their males have not got brains unlike humans where this problem is limited to females only. So believe your instinct man & hope that you are lucky one of 2-3 successes.

PROBLEM#4: So you proposed & girl said yes. Do you think this is end of problems? My boy, that’s the very beginning. Firstly you were just pursuing the girl but now you got to be with her & that is the most difficult part. You’ll have to face the problems even larger than the Captain of Indian Cricket team. I can sample lot of them:
i. The proportion of the gifts has to be raised exponentially.
ii. Party Time with friends has to be seriously cut down
iii. Face the Comments like you are such a self-centered, un-understanding, male-chauvinist moron
iv. There is the whole package: you got to bear even her family members
v. You got to say all the pampering words you can think of e.g. sweetie, cutie & on & on
vi. You got to become a woman-respecting, self-disciplined man overnight

These are just to quote a bit of the whole set of problems. If you can cope-up with all of them & still get going, believe me you have the potential to start a company even bigger than Microsoft dudes! You must be seriously free to read whole of my pain-in-the-neck article. So if you are desperate enough & can trust a novice like me, go ahead & work upon these ideas. May God bless you!

THE REIGN OF DREAMS BEGINS

Folks,
What better way to start a blog than an allusion to the eternal cliches. this blog aims for wt d blogs are meant for i.e. giving another chance to my voice to rise out of the clamor of obscurity. But even then it is too much to ask for. I mean why would anybody be interested to read blog of someone else in today's times of self-obsession when we don't even listen to our own parents [who sponsor all our ill-targeted endeavors], our colleagues [except when in search of zero-interest loan] or a girlfriend [if you're lucky enough to have one & wealthy enough to afford one]. It is very simple to explain if we look at the internet habits of people in india. so Wt do people do ven they get online:
Go to the social networking sites: It is imperative coz if you are not on all the social networking sites, you're regarded as obsolete as poetry in a science college.
Then you look for any new opposite-sex wanderers who have visited your profile & then go on
an insane binge of sending friend requests to all of them even remotely related to you
Then you go on for hollywood.com for all the latest gossips [Whether Lindsay lohan is pregnant again or has Britney Spears grown her hairs back] but you also keep wall street journal open in another window just in case someone interferes in your private ventures
Search for the latest wallpapers of Katrina Kaif
Go on the autoworld websites for a sneakview into the latest Porsche convertibles
Well this may be censored but remember one thing Porn will never go out of style for an average Indian male wtever he may claim so you can always find a quick visit to adultfriendfinder websites in his history
I may go on but the length of my post will be inversely proportional to the number of people intersted to read it. so here i begin with my KINGDOM OF DREAMS & hope for your support hereon.