Are you a boring man too?

So what does one really do?

What does one really do, when one’s social skills are so humble that the most common response one gets when trying to get someone into conversation is, “Excuse me, but do I really know you?” The response can be far more expressive when a testosterone driven but unexciting guy approaches a girl, “You bloody loser, you’re such a boring person that even your mother ignored your cries of hunger in your childhood. Leave me alone!” Sometimes it may be not put literally, but it is implicit in the exclamatory expression on the faces of people, “Dude! You are more boring than even the blankest expressionless newsreader from the pre-lib, pre-satellite era. I’ll find talking to a silent bamboo tree more engaging than with you. So why don’t you get the hell out of here, close yourself in a dark room & spare the already ravaged world, your naïve, humourless, desperate-to-please, dreary personality.

One gets a frog.

Frogs are interesting animals or amphibians or whatever incomprehensible Latin name zoologists can think of, slimy, but interesting. But the people underestimate their potential as companions & are stuck with clichéd pets such as the irritating & ever ravenous cats, over-enthusiastic dogs, & sometimes cacophonous birds. Frogs have this considerate expression which is the natural one on their face, so while sharing your sorrows with a frog you’ll always feel the satisfaction of being heard even if the frog considers the humming of a double antennaed insect far more invitingly engaging. But it helps. People may say lizards have an even more considerate expression but come on guys, even if no Homo sapiens is interested in you, still having an amphibian companion seems far more humane than having a reptile as your agony aunt. Discriminating but that is it. (I hope PETA doesn’t go for my neck for this discriminatory & slanderous prejudice against the reptiles, too many of them are in government anyway)

But what if even the frog ditches you?

Einstein believed in two limitless things-Universe & human stupidity but I’ll dare to include one more-human ability to bore others (You may already be getting the idea reading my article i.e. if you’ve dared to read so far). It is so limitless that an uninteresting man can bore a frog too, even if it’s the most tolerant animal around. People will argue frog’s tolerance is because of brainlessness but then why is not so for Barkha Dutt (The ready-to-interfere-others newswoman). Whatever! But what if the frog finally gets bored of you & leaves you alone pining in the room to stare blankly into the vacuum which it finds more interesting.

Now what to do?

Here I am to help you because I am same in the field of boring people as Sachin in cricket, Big B in Bollywood, Bill gates in software world & Megan Fox in method acting. Ok. Ok. May be the last one is not true but I hope you get an idea. So here are some of the options for you:

Arrogant snobbish ass: Transform yourself into a snob. There is a thing about snobs. While nobody likes them but everybody wants to be one. It can be attributed to a mysterious aura surrounding a snob. People don’t know the reason of the arrogance but they believe there must be something superior about him which is not there in me. So it may not increase your social score but you will get a silent reverence reserved in the society for snobs. After all, love me or hate me but don’t ignore me.

Pseudointellectual pig: Build an image of a pseudo-intellectual for yourself. Start remembering quotes of Twain, Bernard Samuel l. Jackson etc. from the relevant websites & throw them at people even if there is no relevance, ninety percent people don’t understand them anyway. Get hold of some books titled: Learn human psychology in 7 days, Britannica Encyclopaedia, The literary review, the playboy. OK. OK. Don’t read the last one, send it over to me. Remember some incomprehensible terms & theories from them & use them liberally. You may not make any sense & the people too may not understand a thing but they will still listen to you because everybody wants to be known as an intellectual.

Rebel without a reason: Buy packets of expensive cigarettes, smoke them standing away from group of people & give them uninterested stares. It is just an example of putting yourself across as a rebel you may think of your own ways. I don’t need this society. I am far better alone. Wear this attitude up on your sleeve. I’ve never understood rebels, why do they have to give attitude to the world if they are not interested in it anyway. Whatever! There are numerous people in the world looking for a getaway, guys battered by wives, losers humiliated by bosses, students tormented by teachers, who will be ready to be a rebel without any cause with you.

Writer: In the end, you may become a so-called writer like me. I’ve always believed- WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD STOPS LISTENING TO YOU, YOU BECOME A WRITER. Write crappy articles like this one send it to every possible publication you can think of, or put it on internet & pester people into reading it & hope you may get something out of it. After all in a nation where the biggest selling author is Chetan Bhagat, who knows, you may be the next Rushdie.

So that is it folks. These were the ways to hide your boring personality under a range of twisted personas. But be very careful with them. You got to carry them with panache. They should be convincing enough. Basically the point is, become a hypocrite, they are the only interesting men left.
God bless you!